Hello, Righteous Schimmelbusch here, Sarah Palin’s campaign manager for 2012.
Sarah has gone missing today – something about a Hindu ritual involving isolation and blog fasting – jeez I miss the perky little despot – but let’s look on the bright side.
Her being gone means that I can answer the question that people have been asking – why this giant experiment in the moral hazard of communicating the ideas of Sarah Palin?.
What gives? Why?
So, firstly, I need to apologise.
I know it’s not like me to be apologetic - but it’s time to stand up and take responsibility for what I’ve done, for all the pain and suffering I have caused.
Sarah Palin is my fault.
It started small, like all bad things, with an innocent phone call.
Sarah rang me when she was only Sarah Palin and said: “Righteous, you know big. Make me big. Bigger than a breadbox. Bigger than a moose. Bigger than the Goodyear blimp. Bigger than all the snow in China. I want you to make me a star”.
“I can do that” I said
“I have to tell you though – the Palin family doctor says I may have Aspergers syndrome”
“You don’t say?. I’m not quite up with that” I said.
“It is an autism spectrum disorder, and people with it show significant difficulties in social interaction, restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language”.
“Don’t worry pookie” I said ” I can work with that. We’ll make it part of your schtick”
So, using my tuck shop lunch money, I bought sub-prime loan credit derivative swaps, then went long Sept 2010 crude oil contracts, made a couple of billion, and then unloaded the whole lot to Bear Sterns just before they went under to ensure that I was eligible for my stimulus money.
Using those billions, I swept Sarah into her first political office – Mayor of Wasilla, and then proving what a boy genius I was – Governatix of Alaska.
I then paid myself ridiculously lavish bonuses for having achieved all this. I bought the Wasilla Moosefeets professional ice hockey team – and then the future, well it looked me squarely in the eye like a good ‘ole boy having sex on me.
“Sarah, I’ve got it” i said triumphantly.
“I hope so, because I’m not seeing the path to success from being the Governor of this friggin frigid arsehole nobody of a state. This is crap”.
“Hockey mom. That’s the secret to success Sarah. Hockey mom”.
“Hockey mom? What does that mean”
“Sarah, It means low expectations. Just start referring to yourself as a hockey mom. I have hunch that this is the magical ingredient – that, and the social phenomenum of MILF, as well as testing the limits of equal opportunity stupidity, with mental dullness thrown in. You can’t lose. It’s a trend you can ride into the White House – first George W Bush, then the movie ‘Idiocracy’, and now ‘American Idol’ – stupid is the new black – and therefore you are the new Obama. By the way, I read in Readers Digest that red meat makes you smarter – so you’re now a vegetarian”
“I zinc, therefore I am. Gotcha. Can I still be shamelessly glitzy though?”
“You betcha Sarah. We are also going to use a degrading socio-economic stereotyping strategy, so you can shoot moose with semi-automatic rifles from a helicopter – you know, that rifle and helicoptor that you need for ‘hunting’ – you know, nudge nudge, wink wink – the ones God said all Americans were supposed to have. We are sure to capture the right wing wackjob vote. Also, we need some zingers like ‘pal-ing around with terrorists’ and ‘pit bull as hockey mom’ – got any of that kind of stuff?”
“I am locked and loaded in the zinger department Righteous. I’m also have a wicked wink”
And so, in 2008, reality became arbitrary – and boom-chuckka wow wow, it worked like magik………and the rest is history.
But who did I think I was kidding? I was flying too close to the sun on wings made of credit derivative swaps, cocaine and Sarah Palin. These materials have never been used
- in any kind of flying machine
- or by NASA – so it was never going to last.
Was complete and absolute power ever enough for me?. Did my arrogance know no bounds?
Should I have said to the Washington Post “break negative stories about Sarah and I’ll break your penis”.
Possibly not.
Should I have written the internal discussion document titled ‘Letter to John McCain: Keep off the grass grandpa – this is the Sarah show’ and then leaked it?.
Maybe not.
After the election was lost, I handed in my resignation – except my grammar isn’t so good – and instead of writing ‘I resign’ – I wrote ‘You resign’ – so she did, and I had to listen to this dumb-ass Alaskan woman crying for six hours while screaming something about putting toothpaste back in the tube. I didn’t deserve to be screamed at.
Well……..maybe, all things considered…..I did.
But, I write not to ask for your forgiveness dear reader, but to acknowledge the pain I’ve caused. All of this is my fault — the whole stinking wretched putrid lot of it. Righteous did this to you. You suffer because of me. I have failed you. I might be responsible for climate change too.
Not all political campaigns end in damnation– but mine did.
Apparently Sarah now owns my soul as part of a court settlement. I think it’s some kind of weird Hellraiser deal.
She told me to put on some blackface, go down to Dockery Plantation around midnight, say my name was Robert Johnson, make a deal with a Mr De’Vil, and sell my soul, AGAIN - for the ultimate in political advisory skills – so I can help Sarah with her run for President in 2012.
Didn’t think much of it at the time, until I saw ‘The Devil and Daniel Johnston’…………then I thought – but I still can’t play guitar, so a fat lot of fuckin good that did me. Like Daniel Johnston says, don’t let the sun go down on your grievance, or try walking a cow. (I don’t know, I don’t understand a word that comes outta that dude’s mouth…)
“Righteous, remember, we discussed this……I own you now” Sarah said
“Yeah Sarah, but the artwork for Daniel Johnston albums is……..ummm………terrible”
“That, my dear Righteous, is irrelevantalistical. Stick with me and I will teach you how to have no soul and eat it too”
So, this is how I lost the whole of last year. No reward is offered. It is gone forever.
Smoke em if you got em, for I fear it is going to be a very long three years until 2012 – while I continue the re-making of a drama queen in three acts.
Yours, while waving, splashing and diving in the shallow end – but not drowning (this time)
Righteous
p.s. this blog comes with one of those laurels that says it won a prize at Sundance Film Festival
Check out Sarah’s new website, it’s good for you – apart from the paranoia, partial blindness and psychosis it induces: The Sarah Palin Experience
