The Sarah Palin blog: Am I the new punk rock?

Dateline Alaska: where matching whiskeys with breakfast cereals makes good sex great during the long cold winters.

Today was Palin for President 2012 Twitter strategy day.

Met with my 2012 campaign manager Righteous Schimmelbusch to discuss the Twitterverse.

Righteous: Grownups have become Twitters target market Sarah.  Adults over the age of 34 increased their participation in social networks by more than 60% over the last year.

Sarah: But Twitter posts are inane.

Righteous: Unlike your own, which will have the wisdom of the ancients.

Sarah: But I’m cactus politically.

Righteous: I prefer think of you as the Michael Bay of politics – in that if I look at you in slow motion it makes everything better. I also always thought you had a Michael Bay-ish walk too.

Sarah: Hmmm, I suppose. The further I get from the facts, the closer I do get to heaven. So you might be right.

Righteous: By using Twitter, we are going to morph you into a different kind of beast – the soft cuddly kind. Here’s my list of our proposed tweets for October 2009………….

1. The Sex Pistols were bigger than a breadbox, smaller than an elephant, so shit they were good, loud, annoying and unintelligent. Am I the new punk rock?
2. As the mistress of modernism, former Alaskan Governor, and all around sweet bootie, I just want to let everyone know that I will be baking cookies in October.
3. By resigning as Alaskan Governor, I am not retreating, I am simply going in the other direction, away from where I was going before.
4. I find I have the ability to learn something new once a week, this week it was ‘don’t stick your finger into a spinning fan’
5. I’m going to create my own party, and we’re going to play in the bath.

Sarah: Wow, nice. My happiness index just went up a few notches. Hang on. What are these tweets?………………….

1. Sarah Palin is stupidity and silliness joined in a holy spiritual union and a nano thought.
2. Sarah Palin, the profoundly soft headed vicious pussycat, seems to have hit a warp in the space-time continuum and the hypocrisy tri-fecta by resigning her post of Alaskan Governor.
3. Sarah, from now on, I’m putting you in the back of my mind in the cargo section with the chickens.

Righteous: Oh, those. They’re nothing. I was just trying to work out how Twitter works. They were test tweets I sent last month.

Sarah: They seem a little negative.

Righteous: Here is the point (which I momentarily forgot): what is funny to one person, is distressing to someone else when viewed through the context of their own political tragedy. So we need to keep it personable and folksy- and feed your limelight deprivation syndrome.

Sarah: So we say things on Twitter not because they believe them to be true, but because we believe them to be legally un-actionable?

Righteous: Correct, I call it the poetry of imagination – we take your incessant and compulsive talkativeness and turn it into authoritative commentary by sending it into the Twitterverse.

Sarah: As we say in Alaska – why waste a jam jar full of coins.

They’re going to love my Alaskan accent on Twitter.

Yours, while sending bullying text messages.

Sarah

p.s. Have you heard of the saying “Don’t speak unless it improves the silence’?. I didn’t think so. It’s new to me too.

Check out my new website – it’s so nice it will make you want to hug metal: The Sarah Palin Experience